BOMBSHELL: Insider Sources on the Conference that Led to The Decision to "Get P'nut"
P'nut the Squirrel v. The Man
“Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies.”
C.S. Lewis
Drone strikes, torture camps, domestic wiretapping, and warrantless searches. The crimes of the deep state are so old they’re getting dull.
One—useless—bureaucrat, sitting in a board meeting, he likes to call the “bored” meetings, hearing the same dull bullshit he hears every week, “the budget, yes, the budget. losing funding, watch spending, blah, blah, get approval, blah, blah, blah, paperwork, blah, blah, and don’t forget the paperwork!”
He’s so tired of the—same shit, different day! On lunch break, rolling a joint, cracking open a pint of Tangueray, he keeps in his glove box, it’s what he calls “packing his lunch.”
He complained to a fellow Bureau Admin. Officer, “You’re not tired of filling out forms for approval to fill out more forms?!” His co-worker just stared blankly, through the windshield, he thought he wasn’t gonna answer, but he did, “Of course, someone has to use what’s in the budget, right?” His statement made no sense and sounded like witchcraft, so he changed the subject.
Back to the “bored” room, the monotonous meeting, he’s heard it so many times he could act it out himself. No cue cards, straight from memory.
Trying to pass the time he holds his phone under the table, out of sight to others but, not to him, aimlessly scrolling through Instagram Reels. As he scrolls, he wonders, “where did I go wrong? My grades were decent, Daddy made sure of that! How did I end up here?” He keeps seeing this “dumb squirrel”.
Scrolls past, there it is again, in a cowboy hat, and another—Trump hat, and another—eating from a hand, he’s getting ticked off now. “Why is this dumb cowboy squirrel everywhere!? He glances at the view count of the next squirrel reel and is Flabbergasted!
At first, he sees 16m and thinks, “16 meters? Then he realizes, “Good God! That’s 16 million views! I went to college, traveled the country, I’ve not met 16 thousand people, and 16 million know who this dumb squirrel is?!” He thinks, “stupid squirrel, stupid people, how about a job like me instead of playing with some wild animal on camera, must be nice to make a living playing with this ‘wild animal’.”
His envy is unbearable! He can’t help it, he has this pointless job, miserable life, his wife hates him, they haven’t had sex in at least five years, the only thing he hates more than this stupid job is her… and now this stupid squirrel and whoever this is in the video with him. Who is more popular than God! Why!!?? It’s a “wild animal”, a stupid “wild animal!” Wait, is that right? He thinks, that’s right it’s wild, right"?
Something clicks, he thinks back to law school, the Federal Law on wildlife—no, it’s the New York state law, regardless—flashes in his head.
He—quickly, before he loses it—clicks over to squirrel man’s homepage to see where he lives, “Yes, that’s what I thought! He’s a New York resident…” Jeff is not staying in the cubicle today! He thinks. He raises his hand to address his boss, “Boss, there’s something I need to bring to your attention.” He shows his boss the video of the squirrel on the owner’s shoulder and boss shrieks! “What in God’s name does that devil think he’s doing!” “Yea boss, and he’s a NY resident!”
“Not for long if I can help it!” He picks up a phone, immediately starts explaining to whoever is on the other end. Boss hangs up the phone, turns to Jeff, “excellent work, we should have it approved for you to go bust up this love affair as soon as we get the paperwork back—”
“—okay boss, I’ll let my wife know I’ll be late fo—”
“—in 8-12 months.” He continues.
“8-12 months?!” Jeff exclaimed!
“Yes,” his boss said, “I know that doesn’t leave much time to prepare, but I had to ask them to expedite it. We have to get that rabid creature away from the public before we have a crisis on our hand. This could become the new COVID-19 if we don’t nip it in the butt!” The Boss continued in an upbeat matter-of-factly tone.
The kind of tone that you imagine Brian Stelter talks in if you’ve never heard his voice, only seen his face.
Jeff looked at his boss and said grimly, “of course sir, whatever we must do to avoid that.” The meetings “Officially” over and it’s time to head back to his cubicle, He pivots, away from his boss to walk away, as he turns, he says, “Thank you sir, let me know when I have approval.
FIFTEEN MONTHS LATER, NOV. 2024
In a turn of events that you just couldn’t make up, a New York couples’ farm-home was raided—where they operate an animal rescue, totally funded by the social media presence of their squirrel named peanut, of Instagram fame—federal authorities for the crime of, I can only guess, being too popular in the deep state’s eyes therefore gaining too much power. How embarrassing would it be if the government got toppled by one badass squirrel.
After years of stop-and-frisk and the manufactured crack epidemic that decimated the black community for generations to come. After decades of drone striking families suspected of terrorism in faraway deserts!
In an act that screams what are you doing!?!?!?!?
The deep state drone strikes an American Citizen of squirrel descent (in a more bureaucratic and sterile kind of way).
After their home was searched thoroughly on the level of a federal drug raid. It turned out New York State was there to take P-Nut the Squirrel and Fred the Raccoon, who are the most famous Squirrel and most famous Raccoon alive, at least they were until the monsters of this Federal Bureaucracy had their way with them. These nasty motherfuckers euthanized both animals. It’s fucking bullshit and unacceptable, they did that shit as easily as you’d smash a mosquito that was feasting on your blood. Then, get this, when the outrage started catching up to them these murderous authorities said that they were attacked by the animals, so they had to euthanize them. That shit is exactly, as easy to believe as “Freddie Grey dying of natural causes after he was cuffed and put in the car a healthy man, and was D.O.A. The closest we ever were to knowing the truth of that mess was when the cops admitted that he got roughed up from the ride over because he didn’t wear a seatbelt, and I’m sure that the closest we’ll ever get to “JUSTICE 4 P-NUT” and “ALL FRED’S WANT FOOD”, is what we know right now. So, what do we know?
Let’s start with P’Nuts journey on the right side of the law. I’ll quote his story directly from their animal rescue website. By the way, fuck you defector.com, if you wanna be infuriated click here, if you wanna be inspired click here:
Welcome to P'nuts Freedom Farm!
Where Second Chances Thrive
Seven years ago, a tiny, fluffy baby squirrel entered our lives and changed everything. "Peanut the Squirrel" quickly captured hearts and became a household name. Despite being reintroduced to the wild, Peanut faced adversity, losing half of his tail in a severe attack. Without developing essential wildlife instincts, Peanut became an indoor, non-releasable squirrel. Remarkably, Peanut went on to become the first squirrel to amass over 1 million, and then 2 million, followers on TikTok, with a combined social media following of over 3 million.
Thanks to the overwhelming love and support from our dedicated followers, we established "P'nuts Freedom Farm." This sanctuary is a haven where neglected and homeless animals receive a second chance at life.
How sweet and wonderful are these people. So, Mark Longo and his wife Daniela have the squirrel for 7-years. They tried to release him back into the wild and he gets almost killed so they did, what my Susan or I would do, they welcomed him in to become part of the family. Mark Longo starts posting on Instagram about his unique little friend and they start to gain a following. With the returns from that following they start an animal rescue farm called “P’nuts Freedom Farm”.
Then one day the FEDs bust in like they’re taking down El Chapo, thoroughly ransack the farm and why? I can only imagine. I hope Elon Musk smashes that place into a million pieces and scatters it to the wind! After the following interview, Elon Musk caught wind of this and Him, J.D., and Donald Trump started speaking on this at rally’s and online, calling for the end of whatever federal turncoats had committed this terrible act:
This guy says, everything that is on everyone’s mind about this case, he’s mad and he should be. Here’s what Mark, the victim of this crime had to say:
“When they left my house, another news station called me with their statement, (The DEC’s Statement) and that's how I found out Peanut is gone. They didn't even have the heart to call me themselves, to tell me what was going on. This state has more problems than a squirrel and a raccoon, and we're using our taxpayer’s dollars to help take these animals out of a comfortable place, all because of some paperwork! The statement released that peanut bit one of the people. Peanut's bitten me five times in seven years, peanut also is an animal that only knows me, so, why wouldn't you have protective gloves on, and protective equipment. To allow an animal like him, to bite you? Also, to be honest with you, I don't buy it,(Neither do we the people) whatsoever!
Daniela (wiping away tears): The, I didn't know about, um, squirrels ever in my life, and when I came to peanut a couple years ago, like, he would have never bitten me, like, he never bitten me.
Mark: the complaints were, we’re told, are Anonymous. So, Anonymous claims got the state to get a search warrant, which was signed by multiple different departments, and a judge so I want to know, what the evidence was that this was such a devastating thing to the community. That we had to waste tax, taxpayers’ dollars and ruin a family in a nonprofit animal rescue, because we have power?
We want to know too! I’ll be writing more on this as evidence comes out. This is a story that hit my heart like a ton of bricks. If you get a complaint about something like this, so small, and so un-serving to the public. You let that fucking story go!
And holding them up to check her immigration status! Oh, now you’re worried about immigration. Stop it! You miserable monsters were jealous. Someone was jealous, and you stepped in to destroy someone putting good into the world, someone please change my mind!
Oh, and fuck you, New York Post for this opening line of your article:
An Upstate New York man fears his pet squirrel was decapitated after state agents seized the rodent from his home – as a funeral is set for the internet-famous creature.
You know you only called him a rodent instead of squirrel to disparage him. I don’t know how much DEC funding you get but it’s bleeding into your reporting.
God bless Elon Musk and TMZ (two names I never thought I’d be blessing) for bringing this story into the light. And thank you to the “anonymous sources” inside that conference room that fateful day, 15 months ago.
DEC-New York State Department of Environmental Conservation; Can you imagine a federally funded entity more deserving of being closed indefinitely? A conservation department that conserves by murder.
Update: Thank you, America, you fierce motherfuckers. DEC workers working from home due to bomb threats at their office. Awwww…. You, okay?
Thank you for reading!
Editor-in-Chief
Insane. Why kill these innocent creatures? What an abuse.
You KNOW that bitch didn't get bitten. I don't know who did this shit, but they better hope and pray the country never finds out. Stuff like this really, really, really pisses me off. Animals,babies and children, the elderly, and the disabled - that's my list. None of these beings understand what is happening and they can't defend themselves. I have no pity, no patience for people who abuse these groups. If I see it, I can't even help myself.